DJB_3921

Sitting on my couch. The house is quiet and peaceful. I never liked to be in a quiet place. TV, radio or both would always be playing on the background. I hated to be alone and the absence of noise would make me feel depressed. Well, it only took staying home with a toddler and an infant to change things.

Yes, having children is a blessing. It’s a different type of love that is hard to describe in a few words. Your life turns upside down, your priorities are now your child’s needs and forget about your social life especially if you don’t have a village to help you out. However, despite the everyday challenges you wouldn’t change anything about it. It doesn’t come to your mind that it was a mistake, or that if you could go back you wouldn’t do it again. The love a child brings to our hearts fulfill our soul and heals.

Of course you wish your infant would sleep better, your toddler would not have so many meltdowns and tantrums, you wish you had more help, you wish you were stronger… But still, when you look at their smile and hear their laugh it’s all worth it. The energy and love they bring to you is incomparable.

I try to learn everyday how to be a better mother. It’s exhausting, because I watch myself all the time: I watch my language, my body language, and in the end of the day I always think I could have done it better. I feel guilty if I was too hard, I worry if I spoiled them too much. The line between these two seems so subtle to me.

TIMG_4662here are many books and support groups out there that address all these issues, and they are definitely helpful to help you set standards. However, at some point you get yourself in a situation where your infant is crying at the same time your toddler is having a meltdown and besides, you had less than four hours of sleep in the last few nights… Where are the books now? I can barely remember if I had eaten that day. You do what you can to survive that moment of chaos and keep yourself together to manage the situation. Eventually it all settles down and you can think straight again. Get them some food, share some love and it’s nap time.

If you don’t have too much to do in the house, or if you just ignore the mess and sit on your couch, nap time can be a very relaxing moment, as long as they are all sleeping at the same time. A blessing! Just like now… The only noise I hear is the AC fan… The living room is a mess, the dishes are dirty, there is a pile of laundry to do… But it’s my time now… Everything else can wait.